This is going to be a long one, I'm sorry. Way back in 2014, I used to be a relatively active Christian in my church. I had a girlfriend who's family were devout Christians, all my friends and family were Christians and I was brought up believing it all to be true. I, however, was not what you'd call a devout Christian. I was a face-value Christian. What I mean by that is to my friends and family I told them I was a Christian but in reality, whilst believing it all to be true, my lifestyle would suggest I didn't. So when I finally moved away to University in September 2014, even though I told everyone I was going to find a church, I drifted away instantly. I broke up with my girlfriend and met someone new. Now this part is incredibly important because it ties in with me being in Church today. In December 2014, I began dating this girl and she was perfect. Especially for me. Similar interests, absolutely beautiful. Still to this day the most beautiful girl I've ever known. She was like me, we both believed Christianity to be true but didn't quite live the lifestyles so to me that was like, "wow I've found my soul-mate." The first six months of our relationship were absolutely incredible. Arguments didn't exist and we were so so in love. But six months in, temptation came creeping and my ego was stroked and for about a month, I strayed from her whilst claiming to be loyal. I lied. After I broke things off with the new girl, my girlfriend was sent messages and screenshots of conversations I'd had with this girl and it completely broke her. Every time I describe my ex girlfriend to any friends my words are always the same. "She was the sweetest, kindest and loving girl I've ever known. My biggest regret in life is not breaking up, it's how I treated her because of all the people on earth, she deserved it the least." Thinking about it now whilst writing it out, makes me sick to my stomach. After she found out she had severe trust issues but by the grace of God was able to forgive me. Which is utterly utterly astounding. And do you know what I did? I betrayed her again. Although I never cheated on her again, I did tell lies and gave her reason to doubt me. I took advantage of her kind heart and let my actions destroy her. But she was so strong. We decided to break up after a year and half together in total and not long after breaking up I started seeing someone new. For her, I imagined it was awful so I attempted to keep it to myself. Our break up was clean and we remained friends until she said she was going on holiday with her girlfriends. I'd booked a holiday with this new girl, as a way of getting to know her better, for the same day and the same place as my ex girlfriend. So I felt like I had to tell her. Imagine she'd seen me and this new girl there and had no warning. It would've been disgusting. It was disgusting anyway. Time went on and I dated several new people, all the while comparing them to my ex girlfriend. None of them came close to her standards and I felt my heart aching and longing for her again. One night in January of this year, eight months after breaking up with my ex girlfriend, I was drunkenly convinced to send her a message and tell her how I felt. We began talking again and we became good friends. I, of course told her how I felt and, of course, she did not feel a single thing towards me. Which I understood completely. Now this whole time, I'd been living in sin and lust. Chasing after my own desires and living in complete disobedience to what God wanted me to do. I've always believed the gospel and I've always believed in heaven and hell and I've always been scared of dying. I knew I needed to get back on track but never had the motivation to. So me and my ex girlfriend met up, her idea, and hung out as friends. She started University herself in September 2016 so I went to visit her new home town. It was lovely to see her again but it confirmed exactly how I felt. I was in love with her still. We continued to speak and I opened up about how I felt and I asked if she'd like to go on a date to which she said yes. I thought this was my chance to prove I am a different man. Because I am a different man. I was selfish, manipulative and completely unaware of how I was mistreating other people.
I've vowed to myself that the next girl I'm with, I'm going to marry. I'm sick of dating and I'm tired of heartbreak. The next girl I'm with is going to be the one I'm supposed to be with for the rest of my life. And I want more than anything in the world for it to be my ex. I am no longer selfish. I am no longer manipulative and I'm certainly aware of if I'm mistreating people. I don't play games anymore. I'm matured and I'm ready to accept responsibility. After a successful date, I went home the next morning. Which was a Thursday morning. I pulled a night shift that night, and the next day I called up my ex girlfriend and sobbed to her on the phone. I asked if I could come back to see her and she said of course. I hopped on the next train, no way I could drive after pulling an all-nighter, and went to see her. I became emotional and I asked her to vent to me. I'd known she had things on her heart as she'd told me before, "if I was ever going to give us another chance, I'd need to vent at you. I wouldn't be able to go into it without letting you know what you did to me." So I asked her to. She was reluctant at first but I practically begged her to. So she did. Now hearing back the things that I'd done, and the things that I put this poor girl through, from her perspective... well I can't quite describe the feeling in words. I can only describe how I acted. I sobbed. And it wasn't a silent sob. I was screaming. I couldn't breathe. I felt sick to my stomach. The things I put her through and the way I treated her. I will never ever forget that conversation. We both sat there in each other's arms crying and it was so raw and emotional and real. And I am so so sorry. This was last week. How she even gave me the time of day to begin with, never mind going on a date with me and considering getting back together with me is utterly astounding. Like I said, she is so strong. Stronger than I ever will be. If I was half as strong as her, I'd be able to get through this. But I'm not.
A few weeks ago, my sister messaged me out of the blue saying "hey bro, me and husband are having the whole family up for church on the 19th. Fancy coming?" I usually work Sundays, so I said I would try and find cover and if I could then I'd come. On Saturday the 18th, I had the idea of saying to my ex, I want to give you a few days by yourself, without me messaging you, so you can make an uninfluenced decision on how you feel about us becoming a thing again. She knows I'm a changed man, she's seen it. So she took me up on that offer. I asked a friend for advice on what to do and he suggested I mentally prepare myself for the worst. So I have been. And I can tell you I've never gone through mourning before. I've never lost a loved one. I won't fully experience that pain until that time comes but this... this pain I'm feeling now... I cannot bare it. It's overwhelming. I've never been depressed but I feel this is as close to it as I'm going to come. I've always been a positive person and have always assumed things would work out fine. So mentally prepping myself to expect the worst is so hard. I've had to write down what I think she will say to me and read it over and over to get it into my head she does not want me back. The anticipation is torture. I've cried constantly, even in work, to my friends, to my mother. I'm staying with my parents because I cannot bare to be alone. Sunday the 19th rolled around and I couldn't have wanted it to come sooner. Church was something I needed. I have been meaning to go back for a long time but, like I said, complete disobedience to what God wanted. And I know, church doesn't make you a Christian, but I believe a good community and hearing the word definitely definitely helps. And it did. I want to go back. I need God. I need him if she says yes, I definitely need him if she says no. I need him now and I needed him way back during the relationship. My life is full of regret. I've never liked it when people say, "don't regret anything. It made you who you are today." Because I don't like who I am today, and I hate the situations it's got me in. The hardest part of the whole situation is that it's entirely my own fault. I had a conversation with my mum and I told her everything. She opened up to me too and said that when I was five years old, she cheated on my dad. But my dad prayed for God to save their marriage and he did and they're stronger than ever now, you'd never think that had happened. Church was good for me, I was a sobbing mess, but it was good. In a conversation with my dad on our way home from church, he told me he isn't currently looking for a church because he believes God is telling him to plant one. To me that's really exciting and I told him I'm willing to help and I want to be a part of it.
There's not particularly any structure to this, it's more of a pouring out my heart because I'm not in a good way. I need prayer. A lot of it. I need healing for I am hurting so so much. A change of heart from my ex because I know I can be what she needs, I just need one final chance. I need guidance from God to help me on my path for what I'm supposed to do. I need a lot of help and I'm asking for it from you.
Submitted February 19, 2017 at 10:40PM by Unknown
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