I'm a senior in high school and recently this week has been hell. For about 3 months now I've been best friends with a girl in my class she used to date my other best friend but I'll get to that in a minute. This girl and I are very very close we share everything with each other and comfort and support each other all the time. We both struggle with accepting ourselves and she even struggles with some depression. We pretty much hate ourselves but love each other. The thing is I fell in love with her about a month ago. We've recently become even closer over Christmas break. We spent a lot of time together we hung out at her house, went to the park and I even spent New Years with her family. I know I'm rambling but I'll try to get to the issue. After the break she and her boyfriend (my other best friend) we're having lots of relationship issues basically she wasn't being appreciated like she should have been and he just wasn't being a very good boyfriend. She came to me for comfort and we talked and decided she needed to confront him about it. She did later that week and it went reasonably well. Despite this fact she told me she thought she was just going to end it with him, which she is about to soon. He has been at Disney in Florida all this week so she had to wait. On Monday at the park while we ate lunch she told me she liked me we've always told each other I love you but now she was telling me of how she felt more for me. Immediately I was completely elated and smitten. She told me she needed some time to sort things out before we could be together but that was completely okay with me.
Later in the week on Wednesday she had to leave school because she was feeling very depressed and was crying. I was worried about her all day and finally heard back from her later that evening. I did my absolute best to comfort her but nothing I did or anything anybody else could do would really help her. On Thursday she decided to just stay at home. I checked on her throughout the day and after school we began texting some about us. We both basically came to the conclusion that we probably just shouldn't be together. Not due to anything other than a relationship wouldn't be healthy for either of us emotionally. Finally she returned to school on Friday and we had gone to the park to finally talk things over. We both completely opened up to one another and cried over each other for about two and a half hours. All I did was apologize for being such a selfish friend and just wanting to be with her. She apologized for breaking my heart and being equally selfish.
I love this girl with all my heart and soul. All I wanted was for us to maybe be together. I've been completely terrified at the thought of her leaving for college over the summer in another town about two hours away. I'm just horrified at the thought of losing her. We both promised we'll still remain best friends and still talk and visit when we have time.
I'm not really sure how I feel about anything anymore. I basically lived for her and now I just feel so lost and hurt. I'm not mad at her at all and I'm not mad at God either. I just hate loving people and then messing it all up.
Last night she went to a women's conference at her church where they learned to be still. She later texted me telling me that God's love is perfect and is the only thing that can fill me. Believe me I know this is true but I still can't help but constantly run from God's love I'm so scared to focus on him because I know the road is long and so very hard and I'll probably just fail again. I just need help being able to shift my focus to God but I just don't know how and if I can at this point. I don't want to do anything anymore I'm not suicidal but I definitely don't feel like living all that too much. I just need advice from somebody I just feel so lost and hurt and sad and devoid of life.
Submitted January 14, 2017 at 12:37PM by Unknown
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