I'm having a very hard time trusting God right now and I don't know why. I'm scared and I'm struggling to be at peace right with the Lord right now. Last year I completely turned my back from God and left the church I had gotten baptized in and spent years attending. I got into a really bad life style and started hanging out with the wrong people. I started destroying my body with drinking and smoking/vaping. I've been vaping for the past two years heavily due to my depression and anxiety, I was stupid enough to think these things would make me feel much better, when they did the exact opposite.
They instead did heavy damage to my health and my mental health. I had severe anemia last year and my immune system doesn't function like normal peoples. Basically, my body is in terrible condition and I'm scared I've caused even more damage that I can't reverse. A few weeks ago I was sitting at work and I completely broke down, I wanted to change my life and come back Christ and church. I called my pastor and asked if he could meet with me. He was so happy to see me, I haven't felt so loved in a long time. I've been actively going back to church and meeting with my pastor about my life and how I'm having a difficult time leaving the darkness I was consumed in.
I've been sitting and work and I've been staring at my nails and I'm noticing they are starting to club. I did a bit of research online and I read this is due to lung disease. I broke down and haven't been able to go a day without thinking about my nails or lungs. I set an appointment to see my doctor about my how bad the damage is and if there's anything I can do to fix it. In the back of my mind I keep thinking I have cancer or some severe disease. It stops me any of my daily activities and my pursuit for Christ. I pretty much can't focus on anything else.
I feel like God is punishing me for the sins I've done when I left the church. I'm struggling to be at peace and trust that everything will be okay. I tell myself that what ever happens, I will be at peace and I will thank God. I know that there are people who love me and will be with me no matter what and will be able to help me go through this season of my life. I really need some prayer and guidance.
Thank you for taking the time and reading this. I feel like most of the weight has already been lifted off my shoulders.
Submitted January 13, 2017 at 05:20PM by Unknown
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