Story time/background
Forgive me this is longer than I thought. I just needed to say this somewhere.
I wasn't really raised as a practicing anything. Part of it was we just never had time, my parents each had multiple jobs and my brothers and I have been involved in sports since like kindergarten. Anyway the point is that I didn't grow up going to church or having any familiarity with Christianity or the Bible outside of Veggie Tales, a Children's story book on the Old Testament that was I found, and of course my practicing friends in grade school who would say stuff like, and I quote "if you don't believe in God you will go to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks!" (Kids ammiright?)
It wasn't that we actively denied religion or anything, we just rarely had the time. We often didn't even have time to have meals as a family because the 6 of us were always busy with something.
Fast forward, I was a Boy Scout and an Eagle Scout. Part of the "requirements" to rank up were religious in nature. Now, the national regs say "a scout is revererant and had a belief in God" now this doesn't tell scouts or scout masters what religion they have to believe in, and it definitely doesn't tell people whether they have to attended weekly services or can have a more private worship at home. On a national level the BSA doesn't care what religion you believe in as long as you believe in one of them, they have religious emblems for just about every religion and denomination. Anyway my scoutmaster was a very old school guy, an engineer, and very much a (excuse the stereotype) foot-washing Baptist. As part of his "rules" he would not promote me unless I went to church every weekend and had the pastor meet with me to talk and discuss what I had experienced and learned. I tried to fight it and ended up in some trouble for it. Then sucked it up and played along.
So began my first personal experience with religion. For obvious reasons I was very bitter about it. Fortunately I had a good group of friends who attended this mega-church nearby and started going there. However, I felt extremely uncomfortable snd unwelcome by the general population every time I attended and admittedly when I met with the Pastor I completed BS'd my way through it. Fair to say my first exposure was awful for me. This really turned me off of religion for a while
Fast forward to college, I started going to to a Wednesday night service at the urging of my friends, I was already in the chapel because I was a member of the bell choir and we met an hour before service to practice so I just started around after. Anyway, this service was pretty relaxed, but I still wasn't at the point where I felt truly comfortable there. Queue hiatus from religion completely for the next 3ish years.
I went through a lot over the next couple years. Experienced true stress, anxiety and depression for the first time. Worked meaningless jobs for a while and then enlisted in the Air Force. I went through a lot in the year and a half I've been in. Anxiety and depression came back to haunt me again and resulted in a close one with suicide. I was all ready to do it when I had a moment of clarity and realized what I was about to do. The Air Force pulled me out of the environment that was causing my issues and got me the help I needed. I moved on and had been okay for about a year.
It happened again barely a month ago. I started another downward spiral, thankfully I had developed a bit of a support network outside of the Air Force. My girlfriend at the time and her family brought me into their home and extended the offer to go to church with them. This was the first time I had ever go to church on my volition. I tried to have an open mind, I really did but I still felt uncomfortable and like I didn't belong there. Thanks to them though, I made it through the holidays. I felt better and I wanted for the first time to really understand, feel and experience what everyone around me is experiencing in Christ, but I wasn't there yet and still just testing the waters
She broke up with me on January 1st. Complete surprise to me.. one of the reason was we didn't agree completely on religion. I was working on it, I just wasn't there yet. Queue rapid downward spiral. I've been in a very very dark place for the last 10 days. There's been multiple days where I wanted nothing more than to go to sleep and never wake up. I just wanted to stop hurting more than anything else. I had to talk to someone before I did something stupid, I talked to her mom (who is like a second mom to me) and my supervisor. I had never told either about my past issues, they both offered me support and comfort and then turned to prayer. I figured at this point what do I have to lose and started reading.
She got me a Bible for Christmas. I started reading this week. I started with Matthew and the other Gospels. I'm about half way through the New Testament and it's making me very conflicted.
I really want to believe and put my faith in Jesus, but I am struggling to reconcile the contradictions and miracles performed by Jesus with what my mind tells me to be possible. I'm extremely torn between mind and heart on what to believe. Without seeing it first hand it's very hard for me to accept someone else's word on something, this doesn't apply to just religion
How do I reconcile my heart wants to believe and what my mind is telling me can't possibly be true?
Sorry for the length, this has just been bothering me for a while and I don't understand it and I need help. I've been losing sleep and not eating right for a while. I just want to feel whole again. Just needed to get things of my chest. I don't mean to disparage anyone, I'm just lost and confused.
Submitted January 12, 2017 at 04:39AM by Unknown
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