I've always been agnostic. I don't know "what" is and isn't beyond humanity. I've prayed at times and been genuinely open as they say you should but nothing ever came. If it did it was nothing obvious enough to make it clear. So I have little doubt there will be some sudden awakening after so many decades of life.
I have had chronic pain for nearing 15 years due to bad surgery. I was denied assistance from SSDI repeatedly and did the best I could to survive off savings and occasional work when I could. I have lost all of my family to the inevitable victim blaming that happens with long term sufferers. I have tried everything I could think of and many things more than once. Nobody has given me any new advice or ideas in years but generally get offended when I explain why it doens't work. A recent doctors visit made it clear there is nothing to be done for my pain but to dope myself full of pain meds and ironically you can't even get those without so many hoops and so much money due the current landscape trying to punish the minority abusers. They think yoga and mental therapy is enough. It's about them not the suffering person. Their need to feel righteous and in control.
I am in my 40s and cannot just live in a state of palliative care until a natural end. The meds cause as much trouble as they help with. I have no insurance and sleep in the last bed any family member will share in the middle of nowhere with no services or access nearby. My life is hell and I can't handle it anymore. I don't need mental health counseling or meds as those issues are because of the physical and bandaids don't help gunshot wounds, tried them over and over and they don't work. I don't need a "friend" to chat with online oaccasionally. I don't need platitudes or things that only serve to make the giver feel good. I need my pain/medical issues cured and financial support to buy as much comfort as possible in a place with accessible life...those won't happen realistically, especially not in America where it's pay to play and those in need are "moochers" and marginalized. I've tried to move to countries with social systems but can't manage immigration and the costs so even getting somewhere more humane won't happen. So I am on the way out.
I have a hard time believing any loving god would sentence you to eternal suffering for ending your life due to unbearable pain but I also can't imagine why he would allow so much pain here. Dante's Hell seems absurd to me and man made...it all might be man made. I figure we likely just switch off into oblivion which is scary in it's own right as it's incomprehensible for beings who only know existence. But since I am human I still worry about all the possibilities. Surely a god would forgive this right? It just seems to evil to make someone suffer more forever. I expect a lot of "myseterious ways" and "not your place to say" type stuff. I know you all are just humans too. But damned if I don't WANT a miracle, but I'm faced with burning to death or jumping out of the window to my death.
Submitted February 23, 2017 at 01:44PM by Unknown
0 comments:
Post a Comment