Apologies if it sounds like I'm rambling, but for the last few months, I've been struggling with resurfaced emotions and traumas I've tried to bury for so long, and it's really revealed just how weak and vulnerable I truly am under the surface.
As I come to read the Bible and do my best to foster a sense of spirituality I've been lacking since childhood, in spite of an Anglican upbringing, I find it's really brought to light a lot of heaviness that's been on my heart for so long. But at the same time, as I read the Bible, I find myself falling back into temptation again and again. I can't let my negative patterns of life continue to affect me anymore.
- I need to stop lying and blaming my family and friends.
This is my heaviest source of guilt.
Although I normally am a brutally honest person, for the past 2 years, I just haven't been. I won't get into details, but I had very adverse experiences throughout my childhood and adolescence that still affect me to this day. In a sense, I am trapped in the past. I failed Grade 12, and I'm completely unable to do any online classes to try and get my high school diploma done and over with. On top of that, I just can't function in hospitals or even think about hospitals or doctors or therapists without getting into negative patterns of thinking.
To avoid it, I've blamed it on family issues I created myself to try and avoid it.
This is the one I've made the most progress in fixing and repenting for, but I still fear it. Perhaps that's what's keeping me from falling back into it, but I cannot live my life as a liar fishing for sympathy like I had done, and I ABSOLUTELY need to make it a priority I never do it again.
- I need to stop giving into despair and apathy and learn how to have motivation for living.
This is the one bugging me the most right now. I just don't care about succeeding in life anymore. I pretend to, but it goes against how I just want to stick around in the house, occasionally helping my grandmother out, but beyond repairing my relationships with my family I had tried to destroy in order to destroy myself even more, I just have no zeal for living this life. Beyond helping my family out, I just don't care about what happens to me anymore.
But yet there's still my old dreams of writing and getting back into drawing I've been wanting to do. Those are the only things I can think of, beyond family and returning to Christianity, that I really care about doing with my life at this point.
Yes, we're living in an awful, possibly final time in human history. Revelations may be upon us at this point. At the same time, I may as well try to make the best out of what I have left, fight my depression and anxiety to the best of my abilities, try to live what life I do have left in me, try to keep fighting on as much as there's this other half of me ready to give up.
- Reconnect with God.
Trying to read the Bible each day with the aid of my more-educated grandmother. Trying to foster a sense of morality I used to have as a kid that only now I'm rediscovering. Stop running away from myself. Find peace of mind. Accept the Bible as the Word of God, love God just as God loves me. And whatever else I may be missing.
I hate myself. I'll just flat out admit here, I hate myself because when I have loved myself, it was always a covert sense of narcissism that manifested itself behind closed doors. I can't return to that. I want to be able to genuinely care about myself just as I'm supposed to love thy neighbor.
I'm sorry if this sounds too much like rambling gibberish, but I'm struggling. I'm at a crossroads in my life as I return to Christ. I can't turn back now. For my own sake I need to learn just who I am again after so many years of running away from myself.
I'm done coping with life. With how awful the world's turning out to be, it's important for the sake of both myself and my loved ones that I do not fall back into the same despair that's been killing me. I need guidance. I need to live genuinely and with virtue, which I have lacked.
Am I praying properly? Am I reading scripture right? Which pieces of scripture would be best for me?
So much on my mind and I don't know how to organize it. My sleeping patterns are completely nuts at this point. I can't relapse into previous negative patterns. I wish I could have written this more coherently, but please hear me out. I'm very lost.
God bless.
Submitted September 29, 2016 at 04:57AM by Unknown
0 comments:
Post a Comment